By: Michael K. Warne, AAMS®
We’ve all asked our teenagers, “Who are you hanging out with tonight?” and “Where will you be?” But how often do we turn these questions on ourselves? Are we as concerned about the effect of the “wrong” crowd on our own lives? And where will we be as a result?
Jim Rohn famously said, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” This idea, supported by both science and personal experience, suggests that our closest associates either elevate us or drag us down.
The Home Front: Where It All Begins
For many, a spouse tops the list of five. My wife Tracy and I undoubtedly make each other better—in business and more importantly in life. Tracy married later than most, at 35, and we’re both blessed she waited so long.
But what about our other family members? At my stage of life, my 3 girls are largely absent—not by choice, but due to our current season in life. I remember when they were young, and it was challenging to find time for adult interaction. Parents of young kids often crave more intellectual stimulation from other adults, but it’s already difficult to carve out time for our own spouse, much less for adult friendships.
The Office Dilemma: When Colleagues Become Confidants
We’ve all had a “work spouse”—a close, platonic relationship that shares some characteristics of a marriage. Working for 8 hours a day together can elevate your work game, or these folks can bring you down. The risk? At some point, one of you will leave, leading to a “work divorce.” In the business world, this can sometimes result in a Jerry Maguire situation, and the people who hurt you most are the people you were closest to.
The Friend Factor: Quality Over Quantity
As a natural introvert (which surprises many), I value deep connections over large social gatherings. Tracy and I come alive in small groups. We like parties but are never comfortable as the life of the party.
Dr. Robin Dunbar suggests that humans can only maintain about 5 stable, closerelationships at any given time. These are the same 5 people Jim Rohn referenced. If you’re married, that leaves room for 4 additional people.
The Wake-Up Call: Redefining Friendship in Middle Age
At a recent celebration of life for an acquaintance my age, I had a revelation. Listening to his brother and lifelong friends speak, I pondered what it would be like to have such enduring relationships. Growing up in a split family and as a nomadic “army brat,” I never had that consistency.
With the loss of my sister to cancer in 2022 and my half-brother’s decision to distance himself from our family, my close friends have become paramount. This is especially true for my male friends, as Proverbs 27:17 states: “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”
Middle age can be a challenging time for deepening friendships, even for someone like me who interacts with numerous clients daily at Synergy Capital. After reading an article about this in early 2023, I realized that while I have many professional relationships, I needed to prioritize investing in 5 or 6 like-minded professional individuals as close personal friends.
It took effort for this middle-aged introvert to shift gears from professional networking to personal connection, but it’s made a world of difference for me, my family, and these friends. There’s a beautiful symbiosis and synergy in these relationships that’s distinct from my client interactions, enriching my life in ways I hadn’t anticipated.
In the end, the question isn’t just about who our kids are hanging out with—it’s about who we’re surrounding ourselves with and how these relationships shape our lives. As we navigate the complexities of adulthood, perhaps it’s time we all took a closer look at our own social circles and made the effort to cultivate those few, precious connections that truly elevate us.